i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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