On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
