i need an iv and a liver transplant
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
