I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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