I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
