hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize