my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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