All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
