i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
