I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
