I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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