he fucked my hip out of place.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
