Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Please don't give away my fajitas
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