Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
