So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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