he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
