i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
