I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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