she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
