She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
