You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
