When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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