First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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