I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
