I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My ATM looks so different sober.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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