...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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