I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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