so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
