You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
