I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
