Hey man sorry I got all grabby
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
