All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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