Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
