Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
