And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
