I'm laying in your front yard are you home
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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