Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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