I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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