There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
