So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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