He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
