You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
