i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
