Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
