toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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