Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
