I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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