EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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