I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
