Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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