how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
