he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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