I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
