Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
sex in a hospital.. check
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
