i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
