watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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