The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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