You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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