I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
