My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
