I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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