Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
