My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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