I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
