I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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