Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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