just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
