when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
